Funkhouser Proposes Downtown Closure
March 1st, 2007 by Roger Reality
KANSAS CITY, MO - In the vanguard of many promised changes to funding sources and infrastructure of Kansas City, mayoral hopeful Mark Funkhouser unveiled his first point of policy, should he capture the popular vote on March 27th. He proposes to completely close off downtown.
Funkhouser called the proposal, “prudent,” in a brief campaign press conference held Tuesday night at the Westport Flea Market in Kansas City.
“Seeing as how I oppose tax-increment financing in any form, I can see no more effective solution to our problems than stemming the flow at its most expensive point: Downtown Kansas City.”
Opposition has made itself known very quickly. The Kansas City Private Alliance for Public Funds(KCPAPF) has issued an incendiary statement to Funkhouser’s campaign, and to the community at large.
“Mister Funkhouser was a ravenous city auditor, but his proposal to take the publicly-funded food right out of our mouths will not stand.”
The statement, viewable in full on the website of the KCPAPF, cryptically went on to say, “Funkhouser will not be mayor for very long, if he is elected.”
Despite opposition, Funkhouser remains resolute in his promise. An avid opponent of progress and development, Funkhouser promises the elimination of all functioning elements inside the downtown loop within six months, through the use of minimal cost-containing measures. Chief among these measures is the permanent garrisoning of the Missouri National Guard’s elements of the 35th Infantry Division, into the proposed “no habitation zone.”
“These remarkable men and women in uniform will have standing orders to shoot on sight any interlopers that try to sneak into Downtown Kansas City with intent to perform any miscellaneous commerce,” Funkhouser said.